


Command Decision

by ladyamesindy



Series: Commander Sian Shepard [11]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 19:39:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7067350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyamesindy/pseuds/ladyamesindy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Sian Shepard is a consummate professional soldier.  She’s built her career on presenting the image of a calm and collected leader.  Her reputation as one not prone to panic when the tough calls need to be made precedes her.  For Sian, ‘hope for the best, prepare for the worst,’ are words to live by.  But when her world is flipped completely upside down, personally and professionally, can she still find it within her to make the tough call?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Command Decision

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t say thank you enough to artisticallyamber for the beautiful job she’s done with the art for Sian Shepard’s story! Not only is her artwork fabulous, but she read my mind perfectly with the piece she chose! I could not ask for anything better! Huge thanks as always to guileandgall and yarnandtea for their betaing skills! They make my scribblings come across so much easier! (any errors that remain are mine and mine alone!) And last but not least – THANK YOU, AZZY! You’ve done a fabulous job keeping us all together for this MEBB! I had a blast, like always, and your guidance made it so easy!

 

 

When Joker relayed Thane’s warning that the Citadel was under attack by Cerberus across the comms, Commander Sian Shepard didn’t panic.  She accepted the information, rolled it over inside her head, and came up with a plan of action before leading her team to the shuttle bay and having Cortez drop them off behind the disputed battle lines.  

When Commander Bailey announced that the Salarian Councilor was unaccounted for deep within the heart of the Cerberus attack zone, Commander Sian Shepard didn’t panic.  With Kaidan and Garrus at her six, she carefully and methodically worked her way through the embattled halls of C-Sec to the Executor’s office.  No one was truly gone until a body was found.  God knew she was proof enough of that.

When coming face to face with Ashley, her sister by choice if not by blood, with the wreckage of the Council’s shuttle engulfed in flames behind her and weapon raised and pointed directly at Sian’s chest, Commander Sian Shepard didn’t panic.  There was strength to be found in family, in shared memories, in a bond closer than blood could ever possibly bring them.  Trust could be salvaged and, if necessary, rebuilt.  Logic could prevail over doubt and chaos.  Weapons could be lowered.  Everything could work out for the best.

When suddenly but not so unexpectedly realizing that her best friend and lover held a fully loaded Paladin to the back of her neck in a most definite ‘shoot to kill’ position, however …

 

~ n ~

 

_ 4 Months Ago, The Citadel _

_Sian entered the apartment carefully, her steps slow and measured, her senses on full alert.  The room was dark, the shuttered windows providing a partial view of the Presidium while leaving space for the barest hint of light to creep in.  Just enough to help her move around without misstep.  The musty air was stale, no hint of recent disturbance, and the only hint of any current presence coming from the mad scurry of dust motes a step or two in front of her as she continued deeper inside the room.  Silence was its own echo, easily separated from the hum of the air recycling system familiar to all who spent time aboard the Citadel.  Sian’s eyes darted from the corner to the far hall and then back to another darkened area, searching for but finding little that she should not expect.  Sian breathed deep, shoulders rolling to ease the expected tension that accompanied her at such times.  Ever since her training at N-School, Sian accepted the discomfort as an occupational hazard.  The stress of her job could get to her at times, but ‘_ better safe than sorry’ _was a phrase she could easily live with._

 _Another saying jostled in the back of her mind._ ‘Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.’   _It was clear that, for the moment at least, Sian was alone.  Miranda’s message indicated the former Cerberus agent should be there any time, but Sian knew from experience that anything could happen -- a delay, a change of plans, perhaps something worse.  But where Sian was concerned, it wouldn’t come from her end of things._

_“Shepard.”_

_As greetings went, it was better than Sian might have hoped for from a woman it had taken time to come to trust.  Still, Sian could turn now with a genuine smile and face the owner of the familiar voice, a woman she felt comfortable calling friend these days.  “Miranda.  I got your message.  What’s the problem?”_

_Arms folded, Miranda stepped from the shadows.  Movements as smooth as silk, oozing confidence with each step, Sian still sensed the edge of tension beneath the familiarity.  “I needed to talk to you,” Miranda replied, cutting straight to the chase, proper and practical as she always was.  “It’s important.”_

_Sian nodded once in agreement.  She rested her hip against the nearby sofa and folded her arms across her chest, asking, “Does this have something to do with your sister?  Is Oriana safe?”_

_Miranda frowned and a brief flash of confusion spread across her face.  “What?  Oh.  No, not this time,” she replied a moment later.  “I’m still … I haven’t found anything yet.  On Oriana.”  Miranda stepped over by the panel of windows looking out over the Presidium, staring beyond the glass instead of in Sian’s direction.  A moment later, her steps began again, but it was difficult to tell if the pacing that resulted was due to nerves or simply a defense mechanism.  Still, Sian understood the other woman well enough to recognize that whatever it was Miranda wanted to share was more significant than just ‘_ important. _’  Body language aside, the fact that Miranda delayed in putting voice to her information told the Commander that much.  Where was the usual self-assurance and assertiveness now?  The occasionally brusque overconfidence that annoyed some to no end but Sian had learned to rely upon in the later weeks and months of them working together against the Collectors?_

_“I came across something in my travels,” Miranda stated at long last.  “Something I did not expect and that you need to be aware of.”_

_Sian’s brow lifted, arching in wary curiosity, but she trusted Miranda’s judgement.  “OK?”_

_Miranda still did not turn.  In fact, she hadn’t moved an inch since she began speaking, coming to a complete halt with her eyes fixed on something distant in the Presidium.  With the question in the Commander’s tone, Sian observed Miranda fidget.  Just the merest hint of movement, but it was enough of a reaction to assure Sian that Miranda heard.  A moment later, Miranda slowly turned, hand extending towards Sian.  In it was a small datapad.  Sian’s head tilted, brow arching higher to repeat her earlier question.  Miranda said nothing and Sian was left with no other option but to take the device._

_It didn’t take long for Sian to read the information stored on the datapad or for the full meaning of it to filter through.  A cold pit of dread filled her stomach, creeping up through her lungs and nearly causing them to seize up.  Prickly tendrils of panic crept across the back of her neck followed by an immediate rush of denial that sprang to her lips only to die before being given voice.  It took several long and tension-filled minutes before Sian felt steady enough to lift her eyes and meet Miranda’s knowing gaze without giving away her inner turmoil.  For a woman who prided herself on practicality and logic over emotional involvement, Sian could see a certain level of sympathy within Miranda’s blue eyes.  “You … you’re positive?” Sian asked, ignoring the crack in her voice as she spoke, the only reaction she allowed to escape._

_Miranda nodded slowly.  “I am.  I’m sorry, Shepard.”_

_Eyes closing for a moment, Sian forced herself to take a deep breath, hold it for a ten count, then release it just as slowly.  “I’ll think of something,” she replied in a matter-of-fact tone.  Giving up or giving in had never been an option for Sian; that didn’t change now, especially when it came to intelligence of this nature and sensitivity._

_Miranda’s lips curved upwards slightly.  “I expected no less from you,” she agreed.  Stepping away from the windows, she crossed over to Sian.  “I should go,” she murmured, reaching out to touch Sian’s arm in perhaps the gentlest manner Shepard had ever witnessed from Miranda.  “If there is anything I can do …?”_

_Sian straightened, pausing to cover Miranda’s hand for a brief moment with her own, absently wondering if her friend could feel the cold that had taken hold throughout her body.  “Thanks, Miranda.  I’ll let you know.”  Sian met her friend’s gaze one last time.  “Be careful out there.”_

_Miranda’s smile casually morphed into a cocky grin as she turned to exit the room.  “I’m always careful, Shepard.”_

_Sian couldn’t hold back a soft chuckle._ At least some things are still as they should be _, she mused silently_.  For now, it will have to do.

 

~ n ~

 

Lieutenant Commander Ashley Williams’ eyes were focused solely on her sister’s when everything shifted hard to port and went straight to the fiery depths of hell.  She noticed the change immediately -- Sian’s normal commanding presence suddenly freezing in place as the pistol lifted and settled into position -- though it took a moment longer for the younger woman to realize that it wasn’t _surprise_ she was witnessing in Sian’s eyes.  If anything, it appeared that Shepard _expected_ this betrayal.  “Alenko!” Ashley hissed harshly, eyes flaring in anger even as she shifted her pistol’s aim from Sian to him.  “What the hell are you doing?”

A movement to her left caught Ashley’s attention forcing her to glance back over her shoulder towards the councilors only to find Udina standing there with a gun trained on Councilor Tevos.   _Great,_ Ashley grunted in frustration. _It’s official:_ EVERY _thing is now going to hell in a handbasket!_   _When did the world turn so completely upside down?  More importantly, why?_ Ashley’s eyes narrowed, her scowl darkening her features.   _And the Reaper excuse doesn’t count this time, dammit!_

She glanced back at her sister for a moment, hoping like hell to find some sort of guidance there.  What she found instead shocked her to her core as she read in Sian’s eyes what to do.  She sniffed softly, a small sound of surprise and yet not at the same time.  It figured Sian would tell her to take care of the Udina situation first.  Older sister or not, Sian was bucking to play the hero again, it seemed.  One last look, brown eyes to green, and Ashley spotted it again.  The little flicker of Sian’s expression as they moved back and forth between Ashley and Udina and then back to Ashley again, the intensification in them as the Commander relayed her request.  That was all it took for Ashley to recognize her sister’s order -- and she knew without a doubt it was an _order_.  Muttering softly to herself beneath her breath, Ashley spun around on her heel and turned away from the intruders.  Weapon rising, she brought Earth’s representative to the Council directly into her line of sight.  “Move away from the console, Councilor,” she ordered sharply, her shoulders and neck tightening as she held her weapon steady.   _Dammit, I am so tired of being played!_

 

~ n ~

 

_ Six Months Ago, The Citadel _

_Though she hated the idea of being bed bound, for the moment Lieutenant Commander Ashley Williams was intelligent enough to realize that if she did move, one or both of two things would happen.  First option, she would be forced back into bed by the battle-axe of a nurse the docs had sicced on her after her first try at escaping.  The woman hadn’t been intimidated in the least by Ash’s arguments at the time, nor impressed by just how close the soldier had come to succeeding, so that plan of attack was out.  Besides, Ashley couldn’t afford a repeat of the incident on the off chance it would end up in her official files.  Second option, she would get busted back to Operations Chief for disobeying a direct order from a superior officer.  Even if that superior wore a lab coat and a stethoscope.  And was a medical professional with a string of letters after his name that made alphabet soup seem a child’s game.  And was a salarian who acted like he knew all there was to know about medicine, no matter what the species the patient was.  And most definitely was_ not _Alliance._

_Who exactly would enforce that during the current crisis was another matter altogether, but given the fights she’d gone through to get the promotions in the first place, Ashley decided she would brave remaining in bed until given clearance to leave.  No need to take unnecessary chances at this stage of the game._

_With the hissing whoosh of the door to her room opening, Ashley rolled slightly to the right to glance over.  Despite the awkward angle, a welcome sight greeted her and erased the mounting irritation overwhelming her.  Carefully, she pushed herself into a semi-reclined state with her elbows.  “Shepard!” she breathed._

_“Hey, Ash,” Sian greeted with a wide smile while stepping inside the room.  “Up for a couple of visitors?”_

_Ashley frowned.  “A couple …?”  Another head popped up behind Shepard’s, just a step behind.  “Alenko!”_

_The two accepted her reaction as invitation to enter the room, which it totally was, and within a couple of minutes, they were seated beside her.  “What’re you two doing here?” Ashley asked in her usual up front and blunt manner.  “Don’t you have Reapers to fight?”_

_Sian chuckled.  “They’ll have to wait while the Normandy takes on supplies and additional crew,” she replied easily._

_Ashley relaxed back into her pillow as they began the normal sort of small talk hospital visits usually entailed.  The glower on her face made it clear that she hated being on the receiving end of things if Sian’s repressed laughter was any indication.  Alenko, at least, did a better job of being less obvious about it._

_After all the initial questions were answered, Ashley wasn’t surprised to hear Sian ask softly, “Hey, are we going to be okay after Horizon?”_

_Ashley groaned softly, eyes closing for a long moment.  It suddenly felt as if the weight of the Normandy had settled squarely on her chest.  “Sian …”_

_But this time, it was Alenko who leaned forward.  His hand came to rest on Ashley’s arm, and her eyes opened again to find his.  “I know I’m part of the problem -”_

_Ashley bolted upwards, wincing as the movement twinged a few of her less healed injuries.  “No!” she insisted, cutting him off.  “I mean, well, yeah, the whole Cerberus thing kinda left my head in a tail spin, but I didn’t -- I mean, I don’t -- I mean … GAH!”_

_“You do know we turned over everything to Anderson afterwards, right?” Sian asked.  “The Normandy, our intel.  All of it.”_

_Sighing, Ashley lay back again.  Hand rising, she ran it over her face for a moment.  “Yeah, I know,” she replied.  “He told me.  Hackett told me.  Hell, I was at the hearings in Vancouver,_ you _both told me.”  She shook her head.  “Look, I’m still trying to come to terms with it all.  Logic told me you were dead - both of you.  End of story, literally and figuratively, right?  Then suddenly, two years later, you’re back.  That … that just … that doesn’t happen, Sian.  Not in any reality I’ve ever heard of anyway, miracles or not!”_

_Sian reached over and took Ashley’s hand in hers.  Something small and solid pressed into the palm and she glanced down to find Shepard now folding Ashley’s fingers around an OSD.  “Just a few things we thought you might like,” Sian announced._

_“Think of it as light reading,” Alenko suggested a little too casually._

_Ashley frowned and stared down at the device.  “What do you mean?”_

_Sian’s lips curved into a smirk.  “There’s some poetry.  A novel or two.  A few what you might call ‘farfetched’ stories about people returning from the dead.”_

_Ashley’s eyes lifted to Sian’s and held them for a long moment.  “I’m sorry for the things I said on Horizon,” she finally replied to Sian’s earlier question in a quiet tone, “but I’m not sorry I reacted as I did.”_

_Sian nodded and then leaned in to touch foreheads with her sister, a brief but familiar move from their childhood years together.  Ashley’s eyes closed and she thought she heard Sian’s breathing hitch, but a moment later, Sian was pulling away.  At least it was with a smile on her face.  “Fair enough.”  She and Alenko rose then, returning their chairs to their places by the wall.  “We should get going.  Get better quickly, okay?  We need you back out there kicking Reaper ass.”_

_Ashley managed a chuckle, watching their retreat from the room.  “Is that an order, Commander?”_

_Sian flashed back a wide grin over her shoulder.  “Damn straight it is, soldier!”_

_The door slid shut before Ashley could lift her arm for the mock salute in reply._

 

~ n ~

 

Sian was grateful Ashley caught on to her silent command and moved in to deal with Udina.  Truthfully, what she had in mind just now was a longshot at best despite all the planning and preparation she put in place.  She didn’t need it becoming an even more complicated task due to a lack of cooperation from her sister.  Ashley should at the very least keep the councilors’ involvement in however events played out to a bare minimum.

“Drop your weapon, Shepard.”

Sian swallowed tightly at the sound of Kaidan’s voice, so harsh and flat as he gave the order, but it did not keep her from loosening her hold on her weapon, crouching over slightly and allowing it to slip from her grasp onto the floor at her feet.

“You too, Vakarian.”

Sian knew Garrus well enough to expect that his response would echo hers even though Kaidan’s gun remained pointed solely at her.  Just a few moments later, she was thankful to hear the muted thud of his Mantis as it was gently eased to the floor at his feet.  

“Kaidan -,” Sian began, wondering if she would be able to get through to him.   _Now is not the time for doubts!_ she reminded herself.

Apparently, Kaidan was of a similar mind about it or just wasn’t taking any chances.  He spoke quickly, cutting her off in a sharp tone and saying, “Don’t, Shepard.  Just don’t.”  

The words hit her like blades, razor sharp and cutting deep.  It wasn’t so much the harshness of the order that hurt as it was the cause behind it.   _Damn Cerberus to hell and back!_  Shifting her weight slightly, Sian slowly rotated so she could face him.  Their eyes met and held for a long, tense moment.  And in that moment, behind the grim coldness, Sian noted a hint of something warmer flickering in the familiar dark amber depths.  The smallest glimmer of defiance indicating that somewhere deep inside he was fighting to regain control over his own actions.   _Is it real, or is it just wishful thinking on my part?_ she wondered.  Whatever it was, Sian’s lips curled upwards at the corners. _Always,_ she reminded herself.   _There is always room for hope._  

“Kaidan, I know why you’re doing this.”  Sian spoke in a quiet tone, her voice gentle, as if calming a frightened child or animal.  

His brows narrowed, diving down to form a V-shape.  Anger surged after a moment which resulted in his eyes flaring brightly, but the look of confusion beneath it supported Sian’s assertion that he had no clear understanding why this was happening.  “That’s an interesting claim, Shepard.  Especially considering that I don’t seem to recall ever having been given any choice in the matter,” he ground out.

The voice was his, but the words were not, that much became clear.  He was not aware what was happening.  That was about to change.  

Nodding once, firmly, Sian continued, “That’s exactly what I mean.  It _isn’t_ you, Kaidan.  It’s a control chip.  A very cleverly crafted one that Cerberus implanted when they replaced your L2 with the newer L5.”  As she spoke, her left hand moved slowly behind her back and she made a simple gesture towards Garrus.  A few seconds later, just the slightest hint of movement out of the corner of her eye assured her that he’d seen and understood.  He was moving out of range.

Her eyes remaining locked onto Kaidan’s, she saw when they widened at her announcement.  She had his attention.  That was a good start.  Time to build on that.  “I swear to you, Kaidan, it’s true.  Miranda informed me a few months ago.  While out on her own scouting mission, she came across a copy of the medical records Cerberus kept on you.”  Taking a slow, deep breath, Sian inched a tiny step towards him.

The pistol moved suddenly and with intent to point directly between her eyes.  It was difficult to miss the steadiness there.  He might be under the influence of Cerberus at the moment, but Sian knew from experience that Kaidan’s skill and ability with a weapon far surpassed basic Alliance training.  Had not their many trips to the shooting range together over the years proven that?  “Don’t, Shepard!” he hissed.  Then another crack, a more urgent and appealing tone, “Please don’t!”

The plea in his voice was as painful for her to hear as it no doubt was for him to utter past the control Cerberus had over him.  Sian’s eyes never wavered from his, though, and she stopped moving.  “Kaidan, you have to fight this,” she whispered, entreating him in return.  “You’ve come too far to let this destroy you!  To let _them_ destroy you!”

Her gaze was drawn briefly to movement at his throat, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down twice before it returned to his face.  

“How do I fight it?” he demanded.  “I’m trying to, but it seems as if I don’t have any choice in the matter, do I?”  The pistol barely wavered between them.

Cautiously, Sian made a gradual but protracted movement and brought both hands in front of her where he could see them.  They came to rest palms up and in a non-threatening manner, though she knew it would not take much effort on her part to ease one hand over to her omni-tool and press the command key.  In no small part thanks to Garrus’ assistance ….

 

~ n ~

 

_ Two Months Ago, The Normandy _

_Sian strode quickly and with purpose through the ship, checking in with each squad member as she always did after the completion of a mission, making sure there weren’t any outstanding issues from their drop, or new ones that had cropped up because of it.  Her visits were arranged by proximity -- shuttle bay first, engineering second if necessary, and so on up to the CIC until finally she could escape to her cabin by herself.  But after Benning she rearranged that, prioritizing her visits so as to conclude with the most important stop._

_With no hesitation, she keyed in the access code and stepped inside the forward battery.  She wasn’t at all surprised to find her turian friend standing off to the right working on his gear.  “Hey,” she greeted him.  “You said you had something for me?”_

_Garrus straightened from the work table, nodding.  “Got it right here,” he replied, lifting his omni-tool and pressing a few keys.  He nodded towards hers.  “Got something for you to download.  Then we just set an easy access trigger key and you’ll be all set.”_

_Sian nodded, though a sudden wave of nervous energy surged through her at the thought.  “This … this is going to work, right?” she asked hesitantly, eyes searching his.  “It won’t … will it hurt him?”  She pulled her lower lip between her teeth and rolled it back and forth in a gesture that was all too common for her in the rare instances when nerves took over._

_Garrus sighed and shrugged his shoulders.  “As much as it would hurt anyone relying on equipment that can be destroyed so easily when heavily overloading it with an electrical current,” he replied.  “I haven’t exactly tested this out yet, you know.”_

_Sian managed a tremulous smile.  “I know,” she said.  Sighing to herself and dropping her gaze, she worried her lip between her teeth once again.  “If there was any other way ….”_

_The weight of the turian’s hand at her shoulder had her looking back up at him.  “We both know that isn’t a possibility,” he told her.  “We’re lucky enough to have the limited information Miranda provided.”  He made one of his usual soft grunts of disbelief and Sian thought she saw his mandible shift slightly in what she always viewed as a turian version of a smirk.  “I’m kind of surprised by that, actually, but I guess it just goes to show -- what’s that old Earth saying?  ‘Don’t judge a book --.’”_

_Sian felt the right corner of her lips quirk upwards.  “By its cover,” she finished for him with a small laugh.  “Keep it up, Vakarian.  You’re getting to know all our old Earth expressions better than most humans.”_

_This time the sound he made was much more disgruntled.  “Somehow I doubt that,” he retorted.  “And I have Vega and Joker to back me up.”  He nodded towards her wrist where Sian was eyeing the command input he’d programmed.  “Anyway, as I was saying, the shock from this should overload the chip enough to kill it.  How exactly it will affect his biotic implant, I don’t know.”  He paused a moment and stared hard at her.  “You do realize that anyone within range will be affected too, don’t you?”_

_Offering him a grim smile, Sian nodded.  That part she’d accepted back when she first presented her dilemma to him and he’d suggested this path towards resolution.  “Just make sure you get us both to the hospital quickly,” she replied.  “And if at all possible, have Miranda on standby.”_

 

~ n ~

 

The current battle inside his head was a thousand times more painful than any migraine Kaidan suffered over the years.  But Sian’s words at least helped it all make a weird sort of sense now.  Recent inexplicable urges to manipulate her time and keep her from completing certain tasks. Steadily increasing impulses and wordless requests that resulted in him speaking words to which he’d never given thought, let alone will to voice.  A driving compulsion to scour each and every one of Sian’s reports to Hackett for minute details or thoughts on the Reapers that, generally speaking, he himself had absolutely no use for.  These and other actions he’d felt compelled to execute that made no sense at the time, and despite the efforts he’d taken to make himself stop, he’d never quite been able to push away the urge to fulfill the unspoken orders.  

With identification came a certain sense of relief.  And recognition of origin.  Obscure behavioral patterns falling into place.  And finally, an origin.  Beginning with their stop at Mars shortly after their escape from Earth it had been there, similar to the dull ache and pressure he would experience with his migraines.  At first, he thought maybe he was going crazy -- it was a known side effect of the L2, after all.  And who knew?  The damage could have been done during all the years he’d had the L2; he certainly could find no other way to explain his actions at the time.  

_It isn’t you, Kaidan, it’s a control chip.  A very cleverly crafted one that Cerberus implanted when they replaced your L2 with the newer L5._

That knowledge triggered a surge of willpower from somewhere deep inside.  It began as a spark, taking hold, flaring and flaming until it surged, spreading upwards and outwards.  The source of it wasn’t important; the flare of hope it gave him was.  

It was a sure sign of the difficulty of the battle he was fighting that his pistol wavered within usually steady fingers a moment later.  Not an openly noticeable movement -- his years of familiarity with this particular weapon resulted in a ‘nerves of steel’ type of control of it -- but it was enough to recognize a part of him trying to fight back, _capable_ of doing so, even if the chance of success was minimal.  Kaidan knew he had to try because the alternative was just not acceptable to him on _any_ level.

“Sian.”

His voice was a whisper, tight and rough around the edges not because of pain but more due to his growing levels of desperation.  The anger inside continued to grow fed by the demand to know the reasons for Cerberus remaking him this way, though he could make some well educated guesses about that.  He followed the desperate chain of thoughts like a lifeline as he sought some way -- _any_ way -- in which he could break free of the chip’s control.  He didn’t _want_ this!  Not after everything that had happened over the past several years!  The things he wanted -- Sian, a galaxy rid of the Reaper menace once and for all, to keep all those he knew and cared for (and those he didn’t) safe from any threat -- he held them close, searched his memories for familiar faces, all the while hoping they would sustain him through this.  

His eyes met Sian’s and there he searched for … something.  Anything.  Hope?  Release?  Death?   _Some_ thing to end this.  He had neither asked nor bargained for this, but he _would_ accept help to stop it.  

Recognition, acceptance, and relief all came in the half second before a sharp, biting jolt arced through his body just before he crumpled to the ground.

 

~ n ~

 

_ Normandy SR-2, One Week Ago _

_“Sian …”_

_She rolled onto her side until they were face to face, her eyes meeting Kaidan’s even as the echo of his whispered call faded around him.  He saw her lips curve, her hand rising to frame his cheek.  Leaning into the touch, Kaidan smiled in return.  “We’ve come a very long way, you and I,” Sian murmured._

_“That we have,” he agreed.  He hooked his leg around her hip and pulled her close, little space remaining between them.  “I’m glad we had this chance.”_

_Her smile widened and he noted a hint of a blush staining her cheeks in the dimly lit room.  “So am I,” she agreed.  She rose slightly, pushing his shoulder back while straddling his waist and moving to lie atop him.  Not an unusual move for her, and one he could admit he enjoyed.  She folded her arms across his chest resting her chin upon her forearms and she stared into his eyes and Kaidan suddenly felt caught in a snare.  “My life has been filled with second chances, you know,” she mused quietly.  “Being taken in by Ash’s family after Mindoir and given a loving home where I could heal.  N7 training after Akuze which honed my skills for something better instead of being left to focus on the loss.  Then there was you coming back after Virmire.”_

_He smiled back at her, his hand moving to comb through the long coppery coils that framed her face and fell nearly to her waist now.  He was distracted for a moment watching as the silky tendrils settled back around her shoulders like a curtain.  “So much for the saying that the ‘third time’s the charm,’ hmm?” he teased._

_Sian chuckled, swooping down to press her lips to his in a quick but satisfying kiss.  Another habit he’d come to expect from her, and his hand moved quickly to press against the back of her head, extending the touch for a moment before he released her and she rolled off of him to rise beside the bed.  “Don’t go tempting fate.”_

_Kaidan followed a half moment behind, reaching for his t-shirt and BDUs.  They dressed in comfortable silence for a time, but about halfway through the process, he saw her pause, her head turning as she looked back over at him.  He was seated on the edge of the bed, just beginning to lace up his boots, when he heard her whisper his name.  Eyes finding hers, he found a mixture of emotions pass across her face.  Her eyes widened in surprise when she realized he was looking back at her and she turned away.  “What is it?” he asked, leaving his other boot for the moment and walking over to stand beside her.  Reaching over, he took her hands in his and squeezed gently.  “Sian?”_

_Her face was an obvious battle to mask a flood of emotions he couldn’t even begin to identify individually.  The attempt at a smile was for his benefit, he knew her well enough to recognize that, but it fell flat when it didn’t reach her eyes.  Add in the small tic of anger at the corner of her left eye, a twitch of her nostrils in irritation -- at herself or something else, he couldn’t begin to guess -- and the way she refused to meet his gaze, and Kaidan wondered if he should be worrying.  Ducking his head a little, he finally managed to catch her eyes and that was when he felt the wind knock clear from his chest.  It registered for only the briefest of moments, but he caught it.  Fear._

_Blinking back shock, he straightened._

_Her reaction after that was to withdraw -- from him, from them, from whatever it was troubling her -- a dark scowl moving into place to mask her features.  In all the time they’d been together, Kaidan knew her to be a private person and rarely willing to share her personal feelings with anyone.  This time he guessed he had caught her off guard, unprepared.  Sian often presented the image of a hard-ass commander, and it was one she had cultivated over the years.  People expected it of her.  It was a byproduct of growing up with and opting for a career in the military, she often told him._

_He only ever knew her to share more personal things with a few people over the years, and even then it was a struggle for her.  Ashley had a family connection to back up her claim.  That was to be expected.  But with him, it was different.  Kaidan understood and accepted that he brought out a different side of Sian; such was the nature of sharing a more personal relationship with her.  Things at first were awkward between them, dating all the way back to their time on the first_ Normandy _together, but over time they found a way to grow together and Sian reluctantly if not quite willingly reached a point where she would occasionally share more openly with him.  It helped them bridge the chasm that kept them apart too long.  Missed opportunity due to circumstance and fate finally evolved into something much more satisfying and fulfilling._

_But in this moment, for the first time in a very long time, Kaidan witnessed Sian effectively slamming a door in his face, and that concerned him._

_“It’s nothing,” Sian replied, waving off his concern.  She leaned up and kissed him again.   Lingering and sweet, Kaidan thought it almost felt like a goodbye.  Or maybe an apology.  “I just … I don’t want to lose you, Kaidan.  Not again.”_

_He returned the kiss for a moment before promising, “As far as we’ve come together?  You won’t.”_

_“That’s a pretty definitive promise.”_

_“It’s one I fully intend to keep,” he replied._

 

~ n ~

 

The journey from deepest levels of unconsciousness to full wakefulness was one that Sian had gotten used to years before.  Well, as much as anyone _could_ get.  It always began with that initial moment of panic, followed by an adrenaline surge as the mind and body both realized that their surroundings had shifted from one extreme to the other and while none of it was wholly familiar, it wasn’t completely foreign either; but aside from that, everything else was relatively normal.  Only this time, she knew something -- someone, rather -- was missing.

Sian’s eyes blinked rapidly a few times as they adjusted.  She glanced around now, taking in the detail of her surroundings with more clarity as her eyes focused.  Though dimmed, the lights in the medical bay aboard the _Normandy_ were bright enough to cause some pain.  More of an ache, really, but it reminded her all too clearly that she was alive and that something had happened.  There was a persistent annoying beep coming from a nearby machine that didn’t help matters either.

“Commander, lie back down.”

The brusqueness of the order did little to deter Sian’s attempts at moving into a seated position.  Once elevated, she took a moment, a deep breath and, ignoring the ache in her midsection, turned.  First she dropped one leg followed more slowly by the second; both slipped over the edge of the bed until they nearly brushed the floor -- she’d always had long legs -- before her eyes drifted up to find the doctor moving in closer.  “How ….”  Her voice sounded rough.  Raspy.  Frowning, she swallowed once then tried again.  “How is Kaidan?”  Her eyes sought Karin’s, searching for answers she _needed_ to know.

Crossing her arms, Chakwas informed Sian, “I fully intend to give you an update, Commander, but not until you lie back down.  You sustained quite a bit of damage yourself during your mission and are far from fully recovered.”

Sian stared down the doctor for a moment, but in the end she knew who would win this battle.  And besides, falling onto the floor of the medical bay in an undignified heap at the doctor’s feet was _not_ the way to go about proving she was up to leaving her care.  Reluctantly accepting Chakwas’ assistance, Sian settled back onto the bed.  “How is he?”  She glanced around the room as the doctor moved to make adjustments to the equipment strapped to her.  “ _Where_ is he?”

“Lieutenant Commander Alenko is currently in the mess hall under strict orders to stop being my patient and start taking back his duties as XO of the _Normandy_.  Lieutenant Commander Williams is making sure that he follows those orders.”

Blinking some more, Sian stared up at the doctor as she processed the information offered and what was not.  “Okay, wait, just how long was I out?” she asked.  “Kaidan’s okay?  You’re certain?  That pulse --”

Sighing, the doctor folded her arms and gave Sian a stern look.  “That pulse you initiated destroyed the control chip Cerberus hid within his L5 implant.  It also destroyed the implant itself, plus additional technological advances Cerberus gave him before we found him last year.”

Sian frowned.  “Additional technological advances?  They gave him synthetic upgrades like they did me?”   _Oh shit, I didn’t even think of that!  For me, yes.  For him …_

Chakwas snorted softly.  “These devices were hardly as advanced,” she admitted.  “And his original injuries were not nearly so severe as yours.  Still, the few he had did sustain damage.  Thankfully, Garrus warned me ahead of time how you’d planned to deal with this situation should it ever arise, and Miranda was generous enough to supply me with both guidance and detailed information on how to deal with the resultant damage.  Commander Alenko is healing nicely, all things considered.”

Relief prompted Sian’s eyes to drift closed.   _All things considered, indeed_.  “And me?”

The doctor sighed again, shaking her head.  “You had a similar reaction to the pulse,” she replied, “but the damage was much more extensive.  Your L5 implant and synthetic upgrades took the brunt of it.  Garrus and Ashley barely got you to _Huerta_ in time.  Still, between myself, Dr. Michel, and Miranda’s input, we were able to get you off life support within a few days.”

Sian’s eyes shot open in shock.  “A few days?!”  She bolted back up into a sitting position, visibly wincing at the pain slicing through her side.  “How long have I been -- Wait!  I thought you said they took me to _Huerta_?  Why am I on the _Normandy_ now?  What in the hell is going on?”  Her voice dropping to a more threatening mutter, she concluded, “I swear, you get knocked unconscious for a little while and everyone in the galaxy thinks they can run the war better than you can ...!”  

The hissing of the door on the far side of the room alerted both women to the arrival of Ashley and Kaidan.  “Sounds like you’ve got your hands full in here, Doc,” Ashley commented with a smirk as she steered a steadier looking Kaidan towards a nearby chair.  The heaviness with which he dropped into the seat, however, told Sian more about the status of his recovery than anything else.  

“I’m just thankful you weren’t among the lot on the injured list,” the doctor retorted.  “Your reputation as a patient precedes you.”

That comment was too much for Sian and she barked out a rough laugh that turned immediately to a groan as she doubled over in pain.  “Shit!  Don’t make me laugh, Ash!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ashley countered, thoroughly unamused by Sian’s reaction.  “Laugh it up and blame me.  Just wait until Mom hears about this stunt.  She’ll have a word or ten for you, I’ve no doubt!”

Sian opened her eyes to find Ashley’s; noticed the pain still present and wondered if she’d heard anything about Mrs. Williams and her other sisters since their last visit when Ashley had been the patient.  “I think I might have a leg up on the intimidation factor by now,” Sian pointed out.  

“That remains to be seen,” Chakwas announced with an authoritative sniff, firmly pressing the Commander’s shoulder back to the bed.  

Rolling her eyes, Sian repeated, “So, how long have I been out?  Why am I here?  What in the _hell_ has been happening while I’ve been so out of it?”

Ashley snickered and Kaidan, Sian saw, managed a small laugh.  “After your little stunt,” Ashley told her, “Garrus and I took you and Kaidan to _Huerta_.  Oh, you owe Commander Bailey big time, by the way.”

Sian blinked in surprise.  “I do?”

Ashley nodded.  “Yeah.  He somehow got two squad cars to meet us on the rooftop despite all the other crap going on.   _That_ is how we got you to _Huerta_ in time to save your life.  Once there, Doctor Chakwas, Doctor Michel and a medical team took you and Alenko here both into the surgical area.  You were in there … God ... hours, I think?  I’m really not sure how long -- I lost track after I fell asleep in the waiting room.  Garrus might know, he’s the type to keep track.  Maybe Vega, too.  He and a few of the others showed up after they heard what happened.”

“You took sixteen hours, twelve minutes and forty-three seconds,” Chakwas supplied.  “And when you came out of it, we still weren’t sure you were going to make it.  Commander Alenko’s procedures took considerably less time and he had the best chance of success, later proven by the speed of his recovery.  You, on the other hand ….”

Sian sighed.  Even with the side benefits of recovering more quickly from illness or injury thanks to Cerberus’ reconstruction of her, damage this extreme would still take some time.  “Three days on life support, you said?”  The doctor nodded.  “How long since then?”

“Nearly two weeks, give or take.  At some point during that period, it was also decided that it would be safer for you and Commander Alenko if you were to complete your recoveries aboard the _Normandy_ ,” the doctor finished.

Sian frowned and thought about that statement.  The doctor had always been straightforward with her as long as she’d known her, so the woman knew how to select her words carefully.  “Safer?  How do you mean?”

Ashley and Kaidan exchanged a quick look before Kaidan responded, “The press found out you and I were at _Huerta_.  Their reports were, shall we say, more neutral than favorable following the Cerberus coup attempt, and once Admiral Hackett got wind of it he decided to have us both transferred off the Citadel for security reasons.”

Pausing again as she digested all of this, Sian could guess at which member of the press had found out, but supposed that was a moot point just now.   “So, where are we now?” she asked after a minute.

“Oh, we’re still in orbit around the Citadel,” Ashley said.  “Just near enough should we need to return to the facilities there.  Joker and EDI are monitoring communications, too, in case we need to get you away from here sooner rather than later.  Turns out, you’re rather famous now among most galactic species and groups, and that’s despite the news reports.”

Sian snorted again.  “More like infamous,” she muttered.

“Hey, not to worry,” Ashley replied with a wide grin.  “The way I hear it, if you need help or protection or whatever, you’ve got the whole of Clan Urdnot standing behind you.”

Groaning, Sian found her sister’s gaze once more.  “How’d you hear about that?”

“Spectre resources.”

Sian gave her a long, hard, considering look.  “You talked to Wrex.”

Ash grinned and nodded.  “Yup.  Right before the coup attempt, after word of what you’d done on Tuchanka made it here, I got through to him for a few minutes.  He told me what happened.”  Her smile faded to a more somber look.  “I’m sorry about your friend, Dr. Solus.”

Sian swallowed tightly and nodded.  The ache centered in her chest -- probably always would be there given the close friendship they’d shared.  As a soldier, Sian understood the reasons behind Mordin’s decision, but as a friend she didn’t have to like it.  “He wasn’t the first good one we lost and I doubt he’ll be the last.”  It was difficult to find the words for what she wanted to convey.  The loss of Mordin was more than the loss of a salarian scientist or a former comrade in arms.  Mordin had been so much more than that -- he’d been a friend, but that, too, was an insufficient way to describe their relationship.  He’d been a part of her crew, her _family_.  

“What about Thane?” she asked.  Another close friend who had taken injury in the line of fire on her behalf.

“I’m afraid Thane couldn’t recover from his injuries,” Dr. Chakwas replied quietly.  “Taken separately, the wounds were not so severe, from what I understand.  But due to complications from Kepral’s Syndrome, his body could not regenerate enough good blood to replace what was lost and there is currently a shortage of drell blood available on the Citadel.”

Wincing, Sian turned her head to the side for the moment, away from the others.   _How many more are we going to lose before all is said and done?_  She had no doubts that Thane had chosen his end, that he would rather die helping to save the salarian ambassador than waiting for the disease to take him, but like with Mordin, that didn’t make it any easier to accept.

“For what it’s worth,” Ashley told Sian softly, “his son was with him at the end.”

Sian turned to face her sister.  “You found Kolyat?”

Ashley nodded.  “Yeah.  Garrus mentioned him and since we had nothing to do but wait, we tracked him down.  We … we saw him,” she added.  “Thane, I mean.  Before he passed.  He asked about you.”  Ashley bit her lower lip in a move very similar to Sian’s occasional tell.  “We told him you and Kaidan were going to be okay.  He seemed … pleased by that, at peace.”

“That sounds like Thane,” Kaidan replied.

Sian nodded.  “It does.  I just wish …”  Her eyes closed one last time and she took a deep breath.  “If wishes were horses, right?” she murmured softly.

“Then beggars would ride,” Ashley returned.  “But yeah.  Anyway, Kolyat said he would get in touch with you sometime soon.  That his father left some messages for you or something.”

Sian made a sort of non-committal grunt, eyes still closed, but it was an acknowledgement of sorts.  If and when Kolyat chose to contact her, she would worry about it then.  In the meantime ….

Looking up at the doctor, Sian shifted the topic of conversation to something safer and asked, “How much longer will I be tied down here, doctor?”

The stare down began again in full earnest then, only this time it was Chakwas who backed off first.  Sian thought she detected just the slightest hint of a smile on her friend’s lips, too.  “ _If_ ,” Chakwas stressed with perhaps undue emphasis, “you can stay here for another few hours so I can make a thorough evaluation of your progress, I _might_ consider allowing you to spend the rest of your recovery up in your cabin.”

“Doctor --”

Chakwas’ glare darkened.  “And that is a very big _if_ , given your history of cooperation.”  Ashley began to crow, but a quick look from the doctor shut her up again just as quickly.  

Sighing, Sian nodded her agreement reluctantly.  “Fine.   _But_ ,” she added, stressing the word as the doctor had hers, “before you begin, I would like just a few minutes to talk with Kaidan first.  Alone, please.”

There was a pause, just the slightest of hesitations, but the doctor nodded.  “Alright, I suppose I can give you that much,” she agreed.  Turning away, she ushered Ashley out the door in front of her with surprisingly little protest.  That was almost enough to concern Sian.  Almost.  

Only after the door whooshed shut behind them did Sian look back over at Kaidan.  The doctor’s words still fresh in the back of her mind, she remained on the bed, but she lifted her arm and extended it out towards him in invitation.  She didn’t realize she was holding her breath until air escaped out of her lungs in a rush when he rose carefully to his feet and shuffled over beside her, bringing the chair to sit on.  

“Are you alright?” Sian asked.  Seeing him this close, she thought he appeared considerably more pale than usual and wondered just how much this whole situation had taken out of him both physically and mentally.

Kaidan responded to her question with a nod at first, but eventually he reached out to take her hand in his.  “Sian, I need to --”

Sian carefully shifted onto her side so she could look him eye to eye.  “Kaidan, don’t you dare apologize,” she hissed.

“But, Shepard --”

“Don’t!”  Sian turned a bit more, her grasp on his hand tightening and holding him there.  “You didn’t know.  Kaidan, they _used_ you, and there was nothing you could have done about it.”

His eyes dropped, breaking contact as he looked to the floor.  “You apparently knew.”

Sian’s breath hitched and she mentally debated with herself, but she knew she had to tell him the truth.  “I only knew what Miranda told me, and that information was incomplete and suggestive at best,” she explained.  “I took a chance, Kaidan.  I made an educated guess based on the evidence I was given and my past history and experience with the Illusive Man.  I hoped for the best, but I prepared for the worst.”

He sighed, sitting back from her and lifting his eyes to meet hers again.  Sian saw pain and confusion there, the desire to wrap logic around something he didn’t fully understand.  She found herself wondering just how long he would hold onto that quest.  “If you knew enough to guess, why didn’t you tell me?”

Hell, she decided, was going to find her one way or another, thanks to the Illusive Man.  That much was now clear.  He had played her and Kaidan against one another to his advantage.   _Checkmate._  

Sighing, Sian mentally cursed the manipulative bastard before responding to Kaidan.  “Two reasons.  The first is easier: I wasn’t one hundred percent certain.  I made a guess, but until I had irrefutable evidence that my guess was correct, I didn’t _know_.”  She sighed again before presenting the rest to him.  “Think about it, Kaidan.  The fact I was able to find you so easily after Lazarus brought me back.  The fact that Cerberus didn’t have any problems with me bringing you on board the _Normandy_ at that time and making you a part of my crew.  The fact that Miranda found partial information suggesting that you’d been implanted with a control chip.  The fact that Miranda once told me to my face she wanted to do the same thing to _me_ when bringing me back.”  Sian shrugged and offered him a small smile.  “Maybe I was being a little bit paranoid, but the pieces all fit.”

Sian thought she detected a bit of a wry smile at his lips.  “Hardly, where Cerberus and the Illusive Man are concerned,” he acknowledged.  “What’s your second reason?”

Sian bit her lower lip before telling him quietly, “If indeed you _were_ implanted with a control device, I wanted to see what the Illusive Man might have in store for you.  For me.”  Her eyes dropped, the edge of the sheet on the bed suddenly becoming much more interesting to her than waiting to see the look of betrayal in his eyes.  The silence that hung heavily between them for a while was much more effective.  

Kaidan soon pulled his hand from hers and though Sian felt the ache of loss at its sudden absence, she allowed him the space.  What else could she do?  She had all but admitted that she had used him just as the Illusive Man had.  

“So … you used me, too?”

Sian struggled to swallow for a moment.  She could dither with words, try to make it sound as if it was a necessary and calculated decision -- which it was -- with the best interests of her crew and mission at heart -- which it was.  But she didn’t because it was him and he would already understand her reasoning.  Or, at least she hoped he would.  “I did,” she admitted quietly.  “I didn’t feel as if I had any other choice.”   _Ruthless calculus_ , and a recent conversation with Garrus poked at her memories.  Garrus had wondered if she would be able to make such decisions.  She now had a definitive answer for him.

Rising to his feet awkwardly, Kaidan turned away from her.  All Sian could do was watch and bite her tongue to keep from blurting out something, _any_ thing, in defense of her actions, in claim that her behavior was more than justified.  He knew her too well by now.  He _had_ to, didn’t he?  He was just as intelligent as she was, more so, in some ways.  He would see the truth there if he was willing to face it, or in this case, when.  It was the best she could hope for after everything, and likely more than she deserved.  Where exactly that would leave them after all was said and done, she wasn’t certain, but even if given the option to do so, Sian would not go back and change a single action she had taken.  It was the only way it could have played out that ended with something akin to a best case scenario.

Sighing, Sian settled back onto her bed, her eyes closing.  Childish to the extreme, perhaps, but it was a move meant to hide her own reaction from him as much as it was due to plain and simple exhaustion and the ache of watching him walk away from her.  When still he said nothing, Sian murmured, “Kaidan, please, just ...”  

She hadn’t even finished voicing her request when she heard the soft whoosh of the door closing behind him.

 

~ n ~

 

“Stubborn.”

Sian snorted harshly, followed immediately by a groan of pain.  She felt her sister’s arm tighten around her waist in reply.  “I am not stubborn,” Sian muttered as Ashley gently and carefully guided her off the lift and towards her cabin.  Dr. Chakwas finally signed off on her release and Sian was looking forward to resting in her own bed for a while.  But she still was wobbly on her feet -- the aftermath of Garrus’ pulse and the surgeries to fix the damage, Sian supposed -- so Ashley agreed to assist.

“Could have fooled me,” Ashley replied with a soft snort of dry amusement.  

The door slid open for them and, still leaning heavily on Ashley, Sian moved inside.  Nearly instantly, Sian became aware of a change in atmosphere.  It was subtle, nothing that jumped out and screamed at her, but she could tell it was there.  

 _Emptiness._  

Ashley didn’t seem to notice.  Not surprising, really, when Sian thought of it, since she hadn’t been on the ship with them for such a long time.  When her sister started to step forward, Sian lifted her hand to stop her.  “Give me just a sec, will you?”

Ashley released her hold as Sian stepped away from her and ducked slowly into the bathroom.  Ashley opened her mouth to suggest she hold off on the shower until she could stand without vertigo trying to knock her down, but Sian exited the bathroom a moment later.  It was then that Ashley noticed the first signs of distress in her sister, and it was enough to pull her back to her youth and Sian’s arrival at the Williams household.  Pain and loss could be plain to see if one knew what to look for.  The tic at the corner of Sian’s right eye.  The tight press of her lips into a very thin line.  The slightest hunch forward of shoulders that almost always rolled back, ramrod straight.

But as she often did, Sian said nothing, internalizing any emotional reaction.  Ashley hated when her sister did this -- it was a habit, one she’d witnessed too many times over the years -- but she could do nothing about it now and accepted that Sian would talk when she was ready.  If that took more than twenty-four hours, Ashley would then take the necessary steps if Sian still remained clammed up.

Sian descended the stairs, eyes scanning the living space with knowing, quick movements.  She rolled her shoulder carefully to loosen the stiff joint while crossing over to the desk Kaidan liked to use.  Clean and organized as usual.  Sian frowned.   _Only more so_ , she realized.  Her fingers grasped the handle to one of the drawers and she gave it a half-hearted tug.  She had a suspicion about what she might find inside.

“Sian?”

“He’s gone,” Sian murmured as her eyes fell to the empty drawer.  

“What?”  Ashley descended to the living area and took a long look around.  “What are you talking about?”

Sighing, Sian turned to face her sister.  “Kaidan.  His things are gone.”

“Of course he’s gone.  He’s on duty.  Well, light duty, I suppose.  Dr. Chakwas said no ground missions for either of you until she gives the all clear, remember?”  

Shaking her head, Sian’s gaze paused on the fish tank against the far wall.  She wondered briefly what it would have been like to witness things from their perspective.  “No, Ash,” she corrected her sister, “he’s gone.  Moved down to the crew deck would be my guess.”  She sighed and lifted a hand to press against her temple.  “Damn.  I really blew it this time.”

Ashley closed the distance between them and slid her arm around Sian’s waist again before turning her towards the bed.  “Sian, what are you talking about?”

Dropping to the bed -- exhaustion was creeping up on her again -- Sian pushed the pillows behind her back and tried to find a comfortable position.  “He … we ….”  She sighed again.  “I fucked up, Ash,” she replied.  “In my concern for dealing with the situation in the best way possible for everyone involved, I may have inadvertently come across to Kaidan as manipulative as the Illusive Man.”  Sad green eyes met intelligent but confused brown.  “He thinks I used him,” she clarified.

Ashley dropped to sit on the edge of the bed near Sian’s feet, eyes wide with shock.  “What?  How?  Why?”

Sian sighed.  “The control chip in his implant?  I knew about it months ago, but I chose not to actually _do_ anything about it until, well, now.”

Ashley frowned.  Though she couldn’t say she understood Sian’s decision-making process all the time, she did trust her judgement.  Most of the time, anyway.  “So, what’s the problem with that?” she asked.  “Kaidan knows you’re the Commander.  He understands chain of command and it’s your call to --”

Sian gave her sister a slightly pained look.  “We were more than just commander and subordinate, Ash.”

The quiet admission took a full minute to sink in with all its subtle meaning, but when it did, Ashley’s eyes widened and she blinked twice.  “Wow.  You mean you two were …?”  

Sian nodded.  The last time she’d had a chance for a heart to heart with her sister had been … when?  Certainly not in the past year, not since this all began.  Before that, any sort of reference she made to herself and her feelings for Kaidan came after his death on Virmire.  So many things had changed over the years, all of which she’d wanted to tell Ashley, but an appropriate opportunity never really presented itself.  “We were.  Finally.”

“I hadn’t heard.  I mean, I could guess,” Ashley interjected quickly -- she recalled Sian’s admissions years before, the comfortable ease about her and Kaidan when they’d visited her at _Huerta_ weeks before, “but neither of you ever openly stated anything and … Okay.”  She paused and took a deep, cleansing breath.  “Clearly, you two made it work.  That’s good -- great, even!  I won’t judge either of you on that.”

Sian managed a soft snort of wry amusement.  “Since when?” she challenged.  Next, her eyes narrowed and she demanded, “Who are you and what have you done with my sister?”

“Oh, har har har,” Ashley retorted, but her eyes held a sincerity there that Sian knew was real.  Ashley sighed.  “So, he thinks you used him, hmm?  You figured things out ahead of time -- that much is obvious with how you were able to deal with the situation so easily when he turned on you at the Citadel.  How long ago did you find out?”

Sian swallowed past a growing lump of dread in her throat as her eyes drifted closed.  “Long enough,” she whispered.  “Miranda warned me four or five months ago.”

“Miranda?”

“She’s a friend, Ash,” Sian said simply.  “Someone with us when we went after the Collectors.”  Sian’s lips tightened into a thin line.  “She’s the one who put me back together for the Illusive Man.”

“So she’s Cerberus?  And she told you about this?” Ashley asked in astonishment.  

Sian nodded.  “She and the Illusive Man didn’t exactly part on good terms after we destroyed the Collector Base,” she explained.  “And yes, she is a friend.  It took a while to get there, but I trust her with my life.  Absolutely.  Without her, it’s likely that we’d all be dead right now.”  Lifesaving scientific advances.  Synthetics.  Reapers.  There were so many ways that Sian could admit Miranda was, at least in part, responsible for them all still living and breathing as they were in this moment.  Even Kaidan.

Silence settled around them for a while, only the noise from the VI that fed the fish and kept the tank clean humming in the background.  “Maybe … maybe Kaidan just needs some time to think,” Ashley suggested after another minute.  “Anyone who looks at the two of you together can see you have something special --”

“What?!”  Sian’s eyes popped open.  “What do you mean?!”  She and Kaidan had gone to great lengths to keep their relationship strictly professional around the others when they came in contact outside of the privacy of their cabin.  It wasn’t always perfect, but they both thought they’d succeeded.

Ashley chuckled.  “Okay, maybe not so obvious to people who don’t know you as well as I do,” she agreed, “but it’s there.  I mean, seriously Sian, the look you and he get in your eyes when you sneak a glance at one another when you think no one’s watching?  The way your bodies relax just a fraction more than normal when you’re together?  C’mon, you _have_ to know it’s there.  When you take all that into consideration, I doubt he’d just drop you like a bad habit because of this.”

“Depends on how he’s seeing things.”  Sian shrugged.  “Thing is, I can’t fault him for it.  I _did_ use him.  Manipulated him in a way that probably comes across as more of a betrayal to him than what Cerberus did, too.”  

“Nonsense.”  Ashley turned and grasped one of Sian’s hands with hers, squeezing tightly.  “He may be hurt right now.  That’s to be expected.  No one likes to know they’ve been used as a pawn in someone else’s chess match, right?  Just give him some time.  He’ll see things more clearly after he’s had a chance to think about it for a while.  He’s the logical thinky-thought type, remember?  What was it you once told me?  ‘When I need an opinion from the head, I’ll go to Alenko, but when I need one from the heart …?’”

Sian managed a smile, but there was still a sadness to it.  She squeezed her sister’s hand in appreciation, however.  “Close enough,” she rasped.  “And I sure hope you’re right.”  

Ashley chuckled and stood up, but only for a moment.  Crawling up on the bed beside her sister, she gave her an awkward sort of hug.  “You know I’m _always_ right,” she teased before dropping her head to rest lightly against Sian’s shoulder.

Sian groaned.  “ _Always_ might be putting too fine a point on it.”

“More often than you are and you know it.”

“Hardly.”

The silence descended again, but it was companionable.  Sian began to think Ashley had drifted off to sleep when her sister spoke again.  “You know, I have to ask you about one thing.”

Slightly drowsy herself, Sian managed, “Hmm?  Just the one?”

Ashley’s arm rose to eye level in front of Sian’s face as she pointed across the room.  “What _is_ that ugly thing?”

Sian’s eyes followed the direction her sister pointed, and a soft laugh escaped her lips even as a tear leaked out of one corner.  Sighing, she replied, “That’s a Khar’shan Snapping Eel.  Kaidan picked that up for me as a gift for my birthday last year.”  She sniffed softly.  “Said it’s personality reminded him of me when I’m ‘negotiating’ out on the battlefield.”  She ignored the trembling of her lower lip as she forced a smile.  

Ashley smirked and snuggled closer to her sister.  “That much of a charmer, huh?”

Sian managed a short nod.  “We were facing the Blue Suns at the time, I think,” she explained.  “It worked out, though.  Ended up with a genetically engineered super krogan who thinks of me as his ‘mom’ and ‘battle master.’”  

“Do what?!”

Chuckling softly, Sian’s smile held.  She had no idea if Ashley had heard about Grunt before, nor did it really matter, she supposed.  But it gave her something else to focus on other than the mess she’d made of her personal -- and potentially professional -- life just then.  And for that, Sian was grateful.  “Let me tell you a story about my ‘son,’ the krogan,” she began.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Special Note (because I have swiss cheese brain and in trying to remember everything forgot one of the most important things!): I have to take a brief moment to thank bioticbooty. She may not remember back to when I first started writing Sian’s story, but I do. Somewhere along the way, during brief discussions and such, she made a comment - one of those WHAT IF types of comments - that left Sian, Kaidan and Ashley staring at me, the writer, with varying looks of “don’t even think the thing!” to which, of course I HAD to think the thing and then write it! If I ever had a piece I wanted to dedicate to anyone, it’s this one. Monica, this is all you, hon! Your support and words and encouragement over these past couple of years for Sian’s story steamrolled me to this piece all because of something you once said! (I hope you don’t mind!) Thank you. That’s the only thing I can think to say that might begin to cover all I’m feeling about this story, this piece.


End file.
